Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
