he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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