Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
