I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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