I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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