My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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