why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
