Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just want to make out with him forever
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
