You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
