Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
