So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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