Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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