Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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