Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
