Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
