your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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