This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
