she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
