Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
