I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
