I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Let's get the cat blown out
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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