You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
