Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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