I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
