Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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