You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
