y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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