Define "chronic" masturbator.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize