they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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