also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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