Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
