the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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