This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
