Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
