sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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