mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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