Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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