Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
