You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
