Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
