Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
