I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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