There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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