i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
