dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize