My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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