how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
