I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
