It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
