Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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