She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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