I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
