whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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