I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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