I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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