Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
