i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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