I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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