tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize