so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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