3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
