Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
