HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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