the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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