can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
