Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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