i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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