I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
